Strange Sunday

It has been a strange weekend for me. My last official Sunday at Faith United was last Sunday, So this weekend has been the first weekend in ten years that I have not been preparing a sermon, except, of course, when I have been on vacation, or when my interns were preaching. There is a part of me that misses it. And part of me enjoys sleeping in. Although I woke up at the regular time this morning, and am almost ready to go to church to setup for worship. And then I remember. I will not be doing that this weekend, either.

So we will pack up the van and attend a local Presbyterian church, and see how we can worship the Lord in the midst of strangers. God is still God, and worthy of worship. And yet for us, we find the relationships with other believers enhances our sense of who God is. One of the practical implications of believing in the Trinity (one God, three persons), is that since God has relationships within himself, we were created for relationships.

I spent several days at church this week, packing up my office, and cleaning, and finishing some final paperwork. There were some projects that are in various stages of completion, and I wanted to pass that knowledge onto the new leaders. I was even at church yesterday getting my final load of stuff. Overall, I had 30 boxes of books and odds and ends, two guitars, several pictures, and old computer and monitor, and tons of memories.

As I left around 5:00 yesterday, I was profoundly angry, and sad. I think it is part of the grieving process. The reality of leaving was made real by taking the last things out of my office.

What's next? I wish I knew. The farewell service on Sunday was really nice. Some nice things were said about me. I believed none of them. I could not argue with the facts of what had happened, but I disagreed that I was the catalyst behind them happening. So I am back to where I have been before. Giving my all to a ministry I was destined to leave. Pouring my heart into a ministry that had some successes, and yet did not grow as I would have liked, or hoped for. With all my purported "skills", will any other church take a chance on me? Has my usefulness been used up? Will I have to wait for weeks, or months, or years, to find out?

I know I am profoundly tired. I know I am sad. I know that there are things, personal things, I need to work on. I have been given a great gift of time to work on them. We are doing OK financially, but could always use more money! But there is no need for me to rush into anything just for the sake of making some money.

I will miss playing guitar in worship at Faith United. I will miss setting up. I will miss preaching. I will miss preparing to preach. I will miss the people. It is a strange Sunday morning, but I believe that God is in this.